Have you seen the news? The English language is dying. The cause? The word 'Literally'. Like an unforgiving virus, a new definition of the word, primarily created by commoners and ingrates, has spread across our once great vernacular. Usually we can just ignore these words and they go away but now... now it's breached the last vestige of pure wordage... our dictionary. The lexicon is doomed my friends. Doomed.
Did I just use Lexicon right? I DON'T KNOW! I just looked it up but how can I trust a dictionary that is oozing with corruption from every porous page? Regardless, the worst part of this story has yet to be told. Salon.com reported that this new meaning had a devastatingly significant relationship with its parent word. Hold fast reader, for your dreams die today.
DID YOU READ THAT?! The word now means its exact opposite! Due to our overuse of the term we've turned it into some kind of mutant freak word that means two different, opposing things. I'm so disgusted at this 'double meaning' concept that I think one thing is left to do... I have to write a letter.
Dear Merriam-Webster,You people, who think that 'literally' should mean 'figuratively', are nothing short of awful, which is sad because I used to find you awful. Your job is the oversight of which words shall enter the dictionary and this was such a tremendous oversight that I think that the people involved should resign and only resign in future if they promise never to do it again. It seems that, in this case, most of your good employees left and there are now only some intelligent people left. I feel that whoever in your institution believed they could mess with our English language should not have been sanctioned and should most definitely be sanctioned.Yours Sincerely,Jack Anderson
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