WARNING: Every video and link in this post concerns face explosions at some level. You have been warned.
Recently someone posted this picture on Reddit. It’s a few stills from the new episode of The Big Bang Theory in which Amy ruins the storyline of Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark for her ubernerd boyfriend Sheldon. The rest of the episode concerns Sheldon’s desperate attempts to ruin one of Amy’s great loves in the name of revenge. It's quite good TV actually.
Amy's point is that Indiana Jones doesn't do anything in the movie. The Nazi's obtain the ark, as they always intended, and open it regardless of his intervention. Throughout the episode Leonard, Raj, Howard and Sheldon attempt to save their beloved movie by pointing out various aspects of the plot that Indiana DID affect:
1) Indiana took the amulet from the Nazis at the beginning of the movie, leading them to dig in the wrong place. However of course, without him, they would have had it from the very beginning and dug in the correct spot from the start.
2) Indiana was there to transport the Ark to American hands after the Nazi's all died. However he wanted it transported to a museum whereas the US government override his wishes and stick it in Area 51.
Ugh... good work Indy.
This theory has been batted about the internet for a while and I've been seen it discussed with great interest. However, now that it's been spread to 17 million viewers in the US, I feel I need to step in very quickly to tell you that this theory comprises both a woeful misinterpretation of Raiders and a completely unfounded belittling of one of Hollywood's most iconic action heroes. Well I'm here to set you straight.
Well... not set you straight... rather present an alternative perspective you can choose to believe if you still want to hold Indy in high esteem... which I do coz he's great.
Indiana Jones: Greatest Hero In Hollywood
So let's jump to the end. Indiana has located the ark, had it stolen from him, escaped a tomb and recaptured the ark, then had it stolen once more along with his girlfriend Marion. The Ark is passing between him and the Nazi's so much the two factions are starting to resemble Paul and Barry Chuckle.
Indy subsequently hides himself on a U-Boat (which I'd assume is no small feat) and travels across the Aegean Sea to a small island. There he threatens to destroy the Ark with a bazooka until his greatest rival, Beloq, realises that Indiana would never destroy something so historically valuable. Having revealed himself, Indy is captured and marched with Marion to the plateau on which the Ark is finally opened. You all know the bit that comes next. A good old fashioned, divine face melting courtesy of the Seraphim residing within the Ark!
Some people don't watch the face melting scene and I do not understand what those people are thinking. It's not like it's just face melting either, it's face crushing AND face exploding, furthermore it's all happening to Nazis so you don't feel bad! Quality cinema.
Luckily Indiana and Marion's faces remain structurally sound due to Indy's instruction not to look upon the Seraphim. This is solid advice since looking upon God's stuff has long ago been proven a bad idea, as a certain salt pile outside Sodom & Gomorrah will attest. God is like one of those people who doesn't let you read over their shoulder except he's watched Jack Nicholson in Scanners. I digress, Indiana and Marion collect the Ark and bring it back to the USA. The Nazi's kill themselves, the Ark becomes dormant once more and Indiana Jones did nothing.
Except yes he did.
There is nothing in the film that explicitly states what many people believe, that Indiana Jones closed his eyes at the movie's climax because he got a bad vibe from the ghost people. In fact Indiana seems, throughout the movie, to be of the mindset that ancient artifacts are not meant to be used by men but instead should simply be appreciated for their historical significance. So what if he figured out early on that the Ark did and that it wasn't controllable by mortal men. If this were the case, then he doesn't really have a stake in this fight. Either the Nazi's get it and get massacred by a power they don't control or he takes it to England and puts it behind a glass display. Either way no one's ruling the world with this thing.
HOWEVER. The Nazis don't know this and would never believe him due to their lust for power and general hubris. They take the Ark off his hands and also his old flame Marion. Suddenly Indiana has a problem, because he knows the power of looking versus not looking at things (salt pile yo) and knows that she will die along with the rest of them. The remainder of the movie, therefore, is a drastic love fueled plan to follow the Nazi's, pretend to threaten the Ark, get himself captured by his predictably arrogant rival Beloq, and end up tied to a pole next to the girl he loves. The entire last half hour of the movie isn't fueled by his recovery of the Ark, it's one man's quest to catch up with the girl he always admired and say those three all important words.
"Marion, Don't Look..."
So there you have it. Maybe Indiana Jones doesn't play a stake in the global battle for the Ark, but he'd already seen that to be the lost cause it was. Indiana Jones' contribution was to save one woman's life which, on a personal level, is of great significance to his character who spends much of the movie being fairly non-committal. Also he kills a bunch of Nazi's in a time when the Allied philosophy towards killing Nazi's very much resembled the slogan of Tesco's.
So next time you think of dissing Indiana Jones, do what normal people do and discuss most of Temple of Doom or every part of Crystal Skull. Leave Raiders and Last Crusade out of it. now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch the face melting scene again.
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