Indiana Jones: Degraders of the Lost Ark

WARNING: Every video and link in this post concerns face explosions at some level. You have been warned.


Recently someone posted this picture on Reddit. It’s a few stills from the new episode of The Big Bang Theory in which Amy ruins the storyline of Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark for her ubernerd boyfriend Sheldon. The rest of the episode concerns Sheldon’s desperate attempts to ruin one of Amy’s great loves in the name of revenge. It's quite good TV actually.

Amy's point is that Indiana Jones doesn't do anything in the movie. The Nazi's obtain the ark, as they always intended, and open it regardless of his intervention. Throughout the episode Leonard, Raj, Howard and Sheldon attempt to save their beloved movie by pointing out various aspects of the plot that Indiana DID affect:

1) Indiana took the amulet from the Nazis at the beginning of the movie, leading them to dig in the wrong place. However of course, without him, they would have had it from the very beginning and dug in the correct spot from the start.

2) Indiana was there to transport the Ark to American hands after the Nazi's all died. However he wanted it transported to a museum whereas the US government override his wishes and stick it in Area 51.

Ugh... good work Indy.

This theory has been batted about the internet for a while and I've been seen it discussed with great interest. However, now that it's been spread to 17 million viewers in the US, I feel I need to step in very quickly to tell you that this theory comprises both a woeful misinterpretation of Raiders and a completely unfounded belittling of one of Hollywood's most iconic action heroes. Well I'm here to set you straight.

Well... not set you straight... rather present an alternative perspective you can choose to believe if you still want to hold Indy in high esteem... which I do coz he's great.

Indiana Jones: Greatest Hero In Hollywood

So let's jump to the end. Indiana has located the ark, had it stolen from him, escaped a tomb and recaptured the ark, then had it stolen once more along with his girlfriend Marion. The Ark is passing between him and the Nazi's so much the two factions are starting to resemble Paul and Barry Chuckle.

Indy subsequently hides himself on a U-Boat (which I'd assume is no small feat) and travels across the Aegean Sea to a small island. There he threatens to destroy the Ark with a bazooka until his greatest rival, Beloq, realises that Indiana would never destroy something so historically valuable. Having revealed himself, Indy is captured and marched with Marion to the plateau on which the Ark is finally opened. You all know the bit that comes next. A good old fashioned, divine face melting courtesy of the Seraphim residing within the Ark!

Some people don't watch the face melting scene and I do not understand what those people are thinking. It's not like it's just face melting either, it's face crushing AND face exploding, furthermore it's all happening to Nazis so you don't feel bad! Quality cinema.

Luckily Indiana and Marion's faces remain structurally sound due to Indy's instruction not to look upon the Seraphim. This is solid advice since looking upon God's stuff has long ago been proven a bad idea, as a certain salt pile outside Sodom & Gomorrah will attest. God is like one of those people who doesn't let you read over their shoulder except he's watched  Jack Nicholson in Scanners. I digress, Indiana and Marion collect the Ark and bring it back to the USA. The Nazi's kill themselves, the Ark becomes dormant once more and Indiana Jones did nothing.

Except yes he did.

There is nothing in the film that explicitly states what many people believe, that Indiana Jones closed his eyes at the movie's climax because he got a bad vibe from the ghost people. In fact Indiana seems, throughout the movie, to be of the mindset that ancient artifacts are not meant to be used by men but instead should simply be appreciated for their historical significance. So what if he figured out early on that the Ark did and that it wasn't controllable by mortal men. If this were the case, then he doesn't really have a stake in this fight. Either the Nazi's get it and get massacred by a power they don't control or he takes it to England and puts it behind a glass display. Either way no one's ruling the world with this thing.

HOWEVER. The Nazis don't know this and would never believe him due to their lust for power and general hubris. They take the Ark off his hands and also his old flame Marion. Suddenly Indiana has a problem, because he knows the power of looking versus not looking at things (salt pile yo) and knows that she will die along with the rest of them. The remainder of the movie, therefore, is a drastic love fueled plan to follow the Nazi's, pretend to threaten the Ark, get himself captured by his predictably arrogant rival Beloq, and end up tied to a pole next to the girl he loves. The entire last half hour of the movie isn't fueled by his recovery of the Ark, it's one man's quest to catch up with the girl he always admired and say those three all important words.

"Marion, Don't Look..."

So there you have it. Maybe Indiana Jones doesn't play a stake in the global battle for the Ark, but he'd already seen that to be the lost cause it was. Indiana Jones' contribution was to save one woman's life which, on a personal level, is of great significance to his character who spends much of the movie being fairly non-committal. Also he kills a bunch of Nazi's in a time when the Allied philosophy towards killing Nazi's very much resembled the slogan of Tesco's.

So next time you think of dissing Indiana Jones, do what normal people do and discuss most of Temple of Doom or every part of Crystal Skull. Leave Raiders and Last Crusade out of it. now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch the face melting scene again.

The Book Of Anomalies - Where They Both Lie

Brief Statement. As you may have gathered from my posts or, as is statistically likely if you're reading my blog, your personal friendship with me, I am a big fan of science fiction and an aspiring writer. 

A long time idea of mine has been to write science fiction shorts and put them into a compilation called The Book Of Anomalies. It will be like a mixture of Twilight Zone and... no it's ostensibly Twilight Zone.

I'll be posting some of the stories up here for your reading pleasure and, as any self-respecting writer should, I'd like to hear anything you have to say about these posts either in the comments or in private message form. This story is set in the not so distant future, I hope you enjoy it.

I Am Literally Fuming

Have you seen the news? The English language is dying. The cause? The word 'Literally'. Like an unforgiving virus, a new definition of the word, primarily created by commoners and ingrates, has spread across our once great vernacular. Usually we can just ignore these words and they go away but now... now it's breached the last vestige of pure wordage... our dictionary. The lexicon is doomed my friends. Doomed.

Jack Overanalyses - Vaas Montenegro and the Video Game Revolution

Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity? Insanity... is... thinking about a video game to such ridiculous depth that you uncover a shocking digital conspiracy which threatens to overthrow the virtual world itself.

The video game in question is Far Cry 3, an open world first person shooter in which you play the part of Jason Brody, an American tourist who is forced to evolve into a hardened jungle warrior to rescue his friends, liberate a pirate infested island and dismantle a ruthless human trafficking ring.

Unlike a disturbing number of modern first person shooters, Far Cry 3 is surprisingly complex and intelligent for a game that awards you extra points for shooting men directly in the face. The dialogue is brilliantly written, every significant section of the game is preceded by an eerie Lewis Carroll quote which epitomises your journey down the proverbial rabbit hole of your own fragile psyche and the characters are both deeply fascinating and incredibly well realised. However one of these characters, above all others, is not just one of the greatest villains in the medium's history but also houses a deep dark secret. His name is Vaas Montenegro and he knows that he's in a video game.

The Golden Rule Challenge

It's 7 o'clock in the morning. I'm drinking a pint of tea and staring out at an endless British countryside as the older lady across from me rocks a wordsearch like an uncompromising baller. I'm sitting in the 'Quiet Coach' of an East Coast train service as it rockets north from Doncaster to its terminus at Edinburgh Waverly. That's right folks, I'm on my way to the Fringe.

The month long festival that overruns Edinburgh each year brings hundreds of comedic and dramatic acts to theaters, stages and pub basements all over the city. From stand ups, to sketches, to ingeniously terrible action movie parodies there are a myriad of different things to jump right in the middle of.
As much as there are a plethora of things to do in Edinburgh there are also a vast number of different emotions coursing through my mind as I wind my way up to Scotland as a spectator and a performer. A crackling buzz of excitement tempered by a stomach churning wave of apprehension, an overwhelming sense that I'm standing at the edge of a two week long whirlwind that will suck me in and throw me about like a rag doll leaving me a sleep deprived, partially broken man by the end of it. Most prominent feeling in my mind, however, and most importantly for this post, is a powerful urge for redemption.

I went to the fringe in 2011 with my improv group The Shrimps to perform our four star show Shrimpology. We had a flat in a prime location and we all had enough spare time to enjoy the hell out of the greatest festival on Earth. However 19 year old me, for whatever reason, squandered this opportunity magnificently.
I stayed in for the majority of nights. I performed a negligible smattering of stand up, refusing to properly publicise myself out of fear and laziness. Over all, I was the most unmitigated square you could possibly imagine.

This year, however, I'm much cooler. I have a law degree and some new shirts. I even have a beard which has been described by impartial observers as 'nice'. I'm returning to the fringe with a new attitude, inspired by one of the most successful improvisers in history, Tina Fey. You see, Ms Fey once suggested that the Golden Rule of improvised comedy, which all self respecting performers follow, was not only crucial for making good scenes but was also a driving force behind her success. For those of you who don't know, the Golden Rule can be summed up in two words "Say Yes."

It seems simple but we all know it can be the hardest thing in the world. Saying No to things has predictable results and allows us to stay firmly in our comfort zone. Saying Yes can potentially take you anywhere and that prospect is daunting to even the most unflappable human. I said no all the time when I was last in Edinburgh and I had a very comfortable time, but I think it's largely accepted by now that the temporary comfort refusing new opportunities grants you is offset by the much more permanent stamp of regret.
So, with this in mind, I have issued a challenge to myself. For the duration of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival I will endeavour to respond to every opportunity, request and invitation with a simple "Yes". It may lead me down a path of terrible fear, excitement and success, it might come to nothing overall. However, even the scenic route to nowhere is preferable to the short cut.

I'm pulling into the station in an hours time. The challenge begins when I set foot in Edinburgh and continues until I step on the train home. I'll be trying to post up developments every few days so stick around and see where this foolhardy mission takes me.

Now I don't have much time left before the challenge begins so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to refuse the flip out of the food trolley.

Steal This Pitch - Young Marple

INT.     THE PLATINUM SUITE   NIGHT

GENERAL KARKAROV & JANE are kissing on the lavish bedspread. JANE removes her handbag from her shoulder and throws it onto the bed. Two knitting needles and some twine fall out.

Two of KARKAROV's MEN sneak up behind JANE with submachine guns. KARKAROV looks to JANE's bag and smiles.

KARKAROV:

I will never know, why a pretty young thing like you spends so much time with her knitting.

JANE:

What can I say...

JANE grabs the knitting needles and in a flurry of martial art perfection takes out the two henchmen. She then arrives back at KARKAROV, a needle at his neck, his face awash with fear.

JANE:

... I'm old at heart

JANE punches KARKAROV knocking him out.

----------------------------------------------------

 INT.     The S.I.S        DAY

What Detroit can learn from Gotham

Arguably the greatest hero in the DC pantheon, Superman was long known to fight for "Truth, Justice and the American Way". Although nowadays his national identity is played down somewhat there's still a strong sense that Superman's very being is tied to America's self image. He represents hope, liberty, and most importantly a sense of aspiration. You could even argue that his bulletproof skin and ability to fly are not only mere superpowers but a statement that the American Way is impervious to assault and unrestricted in potential. However, this mantra hasn't always been accepted without reproach. In the 1978 film, when the Man of Steel informs Lois that he fights for the American Way, she wryly responds "You'll be fighting every elected official in this country." As is often the case, history has taught us to always listen to Lois.